Thursday, July 23, 2009

Touch

This may sound weird, but one of the things I love most about being a mom is getting to have more human touch in my life.

It seems to me that as we get older, we feel more inhibited about sharing touch with other people. This mostly serves us well, as it wouldn't do to go around cuddling up to the person in front of you in the food court line-up at the mall. But it gets very easy to become physically isolated even when you're in a crowd: driving in a car, sitting at a cubicle, watching a movie or sporting event, for instance.

Even in my family-of-origin (mom, dad, sister), we hug and kiss on the cheek for a salutation, but don't go around holding hands or stroking each others' hair or anything (and that's ok, because that would be seriously weird, at least for us). Of course, there's some nice touching involved with having a husband (wink wink - my mom reads this, so I'll leave it at that), but making time for that with three young kids can be a little challenging. And that leaves me with salutation touches from him, too. The other day we were out for a walk as the kids rode their bikes and Gavin was in the sling and we held hands as we walked. I couldn't remember the last time we did that, because our hands are usually busy carrying hockey bags or pushing a stroller or wrangling kids. It was nice.

I digress. My point was about getting touch from kids. I love the bedtime cuddles, the morning hugs, the hand holding, the hair stroking, the booboo mending, the assistance with personal grooming, all that stuff that goes along with being a mom. I have to say that before Gavin came along, I took for granted being able to be physically affectionate with my two older kids (Trevor, 7; and Amy, 5). With Gavin, he's so into touching and grabbing and feeling at my hands and arms and face and hair because I'm not sure he even knows he's his own person yet. All the touching I get from him has really driven home how much Trev and Amy have grown up. They are developing their own boundaries about how comfortable they are with touch from the people in their lives who love them. Those boundaries are, of course, crucial for them to develop their sense of self and to maintain their personal safety. But as a mom it's tough to be held at arm's length when you want to comfort a child who's angry at you for saying no, or who doesn't want a hug/kiss goodbye in front of his friends anymore.

It makes me treasure the physical affection they do share with me. For each of them it's different: Gavin physically needs me in order to survive so we're really intensely linked right now. Amy vascillates between needing to have me (intensely) when she wants me and wanting to be able to do everything without me. Trevor appreciates parallel closeness, by that I mean sitting down beside him and maybe putting an arm around his shoulders, but I now get a brush off when he's trying to be tough and not cry when he's hurt (I always tell him it's ok to cry, but I am no match for societal forces, it seems). They all have varying degrees of comfort with sharing touch with me. For now, I will treasure whatever they will give because I know that before I know it we'll be mostly into the salutation hugs and kisses.

2 comments:

  1. what a great post! you have just made me think about this and ITA-
    I love it too!!!

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  2. I almost sent you a comment about what a great parent you are by modelling physical affection and such and then I thought...wait a minute...this is about you and your needs. I always seem to turn it around into some kind of didactic thing. Touching and any kind of physical intimacy is necessary for emotional health. Care for a shoulder rub?
    Mom

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